4/25/98 - And now, the official donut

By State Representative Cele Hahn

 

My computer's spelling checker doesn't recognize the word "donut." In fact, it won't even give me any alternative spellings.

Do you mind if I spell it donut? Instead of doughnut? Or don't you care?

Do you care about donuts at all?

Well, someone does. And that someone has just introduced legislation to choose the official donut of the Commonwealth.

I ask you, do we need an official donut?

We have the official bird and tree, flower and rock, poem and gem. Even an official insect, dog, fish, beverage, pie, horse, mammal, fossil, heroine, muffin, cat and bean and berry.

Last year, we even designated the tollhouse cookie (chocolate chip to you and me) the official cookie. We're still thinking about naming the official polka and the official amphibian.

We have a lot of official days, too. Like Lithuanian Independence Day, Jaycee Day, Armenian Martyrs Day, Joshua James Day, Lafayette Day, State Walking Day, Liberty Tree Day. We have so many official days that we have hardly any just plain days.

And official weeks and months, too. Next month, for example, we have, just to name a few, Senior Citizens Month and Keep Massachusetts Beautiful month, as well as Loyalty Day, Polish Constitution Day, Horace Mann Day, Whale Awareness Day, American Indian Heritage Week, National Family Week. Well, you get the idea.

Is there anything we've missed?

Oh, yes. The donut. But, if we do indeed want to choose the donut of all donuts, should it be the donut named in the pending legislation? The Boston Cream Donut?

Isn't that just a little too eastern?

We did a little research. Noncaloric. We didn't eat them, we just asked some donut shops about the Boston Cream Donut.

The Farmers Daughter just doesn't sell them. Should we make selling Boston Cream donuts mandatory of bakeries if we pass the legislation?

How about mandatory eating? Should we eliminate all other donuts? No more blueberry? No sugar? No glazed? And how about donut holes? Probably a research project to fund there.

After all, someone will have to figure out how to stuff custard stuff into a donut hole.

Because that's what a Boston Cream Donut is. A donut, stuffed with a custard, and frosted with chocolate. Dunkin Donuts in Westfield gave me that definition. Custard filled with chocolate on top. They sell pretty well, the clerk said.

But Mrs. Murphy's in Southwick explained that they, too, sell a lot of Boston Cream Donuts. But, those are just regular donuts. Boston Cream Donuts. There's a longer version, called "Long Johns."

So I guess we'll have to legislate the official size of the official donut, or they might not be a Boston Cream Donut at all, but a Long John.

Or, Mrs. Murphy patiently and politely explained, you can also call them "Bavarian Cream" donuts. Which sounds like a good alternative. Maybe I could amend the bill. Change it from Boston Cream Donut to get away from the emphasis on the eastern part of the state. Change it to the Bavarian Cream Donut.

Would that be politically correct? Would I get the Germans, the Bavarians, mad at me? Would, say, the Norwegians, demand another type of donut? How about the Czechs? The Irish?

Maybe I don't want an official donut at all.

I don't like chocolate frosting, come to think of it.